February is the month most traditionally associated with healthy relationships. Perhaps you celebrated your love for a spouse, family member, or friend last week on Valentine’s Day. But what about that person who leaves you flustered, frustrated, or fuming? Is God in the mess of difficult relationships?
Two things I know about God—he loves people, and he wants us to love each other. Add those passions together and we can be assured he wants to mend relationships that cause distress to either or both parties.
Why Do Some People Rub Me the Wrong Way?
In my early thirties, I took my first personality test, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI). A woman in our couples’ Bible study, certified to administer the MBTI, offered to assess our group. My late husband and I completed a lengthy questionnaire which evaluated our preferences and determined which personality profiles best described us. I laughed when I peeked at my husband’s results. We were opposites on every trait measured.
Within our group, a mind-boggling number of distinct profiles emerged. On the way home, I had an epiphany:
So this is why sparks fly in churches, marriages, and families. People who love each other, even share the same faith, differ in how they perceive and react to the world around them.
Why Did God Make Us So Different?
With the myriad of personalities God created, it’s no wonder we can rub each other the wrong way. Psalm 27:17 states, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” It seems like God knew what he was doing. In a difficult relationship, we may be the sharpener, or we may be the one being sharpened. In God’s providence, we are often both.
How can we navigate an unpleasant relationship? You know that annoying co-worker, neighbor, relative, or other acquaintance who zaps our energy and derails our sunny disposition. He or she is not abusive, but surely provokes our ire. For that reason, I’ll call this person “Ira”—Italian for ire. For the benefit of Ira and ourselves, let’s consider ways we can image Christ (be sharpened) and impact others to do the same (be the sharpener).
The Way of Love
The thirteenth chapter of 1 Corinthians is known as the Way of Love chapter in the Bible. It describes a type of love—agape—that doesn’t rely on the one being loved but on the commitment of the person giving love. It’s the type of love God expresses to us. It’s the type of love we need to express to Ira. Let’s mine 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 for help.
Love is patient.
When iron sharpens iron, the process is long and tedious. The muscles of a blacksmith testify to the time-consuming labor required. Because he believes his effort is worthwhile, he perseveres until the rough edges of the knife are smoothed. Healing our rocky relationship with Ira also requires a long-term commitment. We can’t hold on to a timetable. But we can hold on to the belief a God-graced breakthrough is worth waiting for.
Love is kind, not arrogant or rude.
Sharpening a jagged knife edge requires care and deliberation to avoid unintended damage. We need to approach a difficult relationship in the same way. If we bulldoze Ira with our sharp tongue or pride, we may inflict lasting harm. Instead, we prayerfully wait until we have a heartfelt desire to help Ira and consider his or her best interests. Our interactions will be most fruitful when graced with kindness and compassion.
Love does not insist on its own way.
Relationships are not one-way streets. In our efforts to smooth out Ira’s rough edges, we’ll likely discover areas where we need to grow in Christ-like maturity. God uses the Ira’s in our lives to uncover our blind spots. For example, a proud person may offend us because they provoke a hidden area of our pride. To be a sharpener, we must be willing to be sharpened—vulnerable and open to personal growth.
Love is not irritable or resentful.
The blacksmith does not resent the jagged knives he sharpens. He embraces his role and views it as an opportunity. Likewise, we don’t despise tough relationships. We accept we live in a broken world with broken people. In God’s providence, he created us to live in community. He knew we would need each other to expose areas of sin and grow in godliness.
Love does not rejoice in wrongdoing but rejoices in the truth.
We frequently can’t see past the offense Ira has inflicted to understand why he or she is so iresome. Ira’s life story is a mystery to us. What pain or struggles has he or she endured? Is Ira suffering physically or emotionally? Perhaps we need to take a deep breath, refuse to take Ira’s behavior as a personal insult, and extend grace and mercy.
Love bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
An experienced blacksmith does not disregard or throw away a damaged instrument. Rather, he forges it to perfection. It would be tempting to dismiss relationships that are unpleasant. After all, the Ira’s of the world drain us. So, maybe we can just ignore them? The danger is, in doing so, we may obstruct God’s best for them and for us. God did not call us to be indifferent, but to care for each other.
The Way of Jesus
Jesus endured a world of Ira’s and bore their sin to the cross to open a way for their redemption. To image Jesus, we must be willing to be disappointed, frustrated, unappreciated, misrepresented, ignored, or offended. Jesus’ love for us allowed him to bear all these infractions, even to iron nails piercing his hands.
In response, we can choose grace and mercy when dealing with our Ira’s. By allowing iron to sharpen iron, we invite reconciliation and healing. Loving the unloveable forges us to image Jesus. We become salt and light in our homes and to our communities. As examples of love and unity, we are better poised to minister to a hurtful and hurting world.
Your Turn
How have you reacted to the Ira’s in your life?
Which verses from 1 Corinthians 13 will you adopt to approach your Ira with a fresh perspective?
My Scriptural Prayer for You
As God’s chosen, holy and dearly loved, I pray you will clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. May you bear and forgive each other for grievances as God has forgiven you, putting away bitterness, anger, slander, along with all malice. May you do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourself. May you love one another as Jesus has loved you, for love never fails. (Colossians 3:12-15, Ephesians 4:31, Philippians 2:3, John 13:34, 1 Corinthians 13)
Resources
How God-Aware Are You? A quiz to measure your spiritual perception in three categories and generate personalized results within a 9-page study guide.
Free personality tests, including one based on the Myer-Briggs Type Indicator: https://www.truity.com/test/type-finder-personality-test-new
90 Bible verses about love (with printable infographic): https://madeinagape.com/pages/90-bible-verses-about-love
